my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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