i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
