Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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