I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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