He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
