i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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