She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
