If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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