Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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