I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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