i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
