Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
