I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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