My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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