is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
