Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
