She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
