Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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