You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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