Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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