we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
