So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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