you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
