you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I deserve this hangover.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
