how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
