Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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