If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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