Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
