I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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