You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We got so high we made milksteak
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
