I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would fuck him just for his dog
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
