I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
