Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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