I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize