I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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