So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
