I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize