The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
