You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
