If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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