The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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