for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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