Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
