Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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