somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize