maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i think i just naturally attract stoners
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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