Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
