How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
