I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
