Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
