Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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