I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
