He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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