When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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