pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
